private, foodJune 30, 2009 1:29 am

today i purged again after six months, seven? eight?

 

i’m not too sure myself.

 

i only know it was after reading something online that this huge sense of self-loathing surged up, and when i stood under the showerhead with water running down my face, my stomach, my hips, i felt this insane urge to wash everything dirty from me, all that dirty food i had for dinner, to purge all that dirty vegetables, fish, egg and soup from my body.

 

i tried resisting.

 

i sat on the tiled floor under the showerhead. i told myself to be logical, 

 

"eileen, if you’re going to let what others say flippantly affect you that much, you’ll never be able to recover."

 

but the water from the showerhead just made it worse, i could feel it running down the curves of my body, and the water hose in front of me just kept telling me to use it.

 

so i stuck it beside my mouth, turned on the hose and purged.

 

and i felt horrible after it. still dirty, and very horrible.

 

 

the boyfriend and a friend tried consoling me, but whatever nice things they tried saying just made the tears fall faster.

because i felt like i didn’t deserve all that kindness, that they were being so nice to me only cause i had a stupid eating disorder, that i was imposing on them, having to have them try and cheer me up.  

 

and then i felt worse when i thought about the food review i had to do on wednesday, desserts still, imagine, all that fat and calories.

 

i wondered if i should tell my bosses about the ED on the way to work tmr. tell them i didn’t want to do the review anymore cause it was acting up again, cause i don’t want to have to force the desserts down my throat.

 

but you know how they’ll think of me. 

that i can’t separate work from my personal problems, that i need help, and then they’re going to be extra nice to me again.

 

so i’m not going to tell them.

 

and i’ll try not to purge again.  

musings, education, workJune 24, 2009 12:21 am

 

- save up for the olympus pen e-p1 ($1500 bucks!)

 

-pick up photography 

 

- sign up for exotic dance classes

 

- practise writing long articles cause i suck in them

 

- go swimming whenever i’m free in the evenings

 

- go clubbing fortnightly (material for a column in the mag, yes the perks perils emoticon of my job) 

 

- finalise design of namecards and go to print

 

- start writing short horror stories (i want to a mini stephen king)

 

- finish up the dammed erotica article.  

 

- lose more weight

 

- prepare to kick ass in university.

 

 

watch me! emoticon 

musings, workJune 12, 2009 12:28 am

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

- - - - - -

in the same context of things, i’m currently in talks with the editors to have myself continue writing for the magazine even through university.

 

i just have to pop in once a week to attend editorial meetings, pick up test units and press releases, as long as i meet the deadlines.

 

and i get PAID!

 

i really hope this works out because not only will this build up my portfolio substantially, it’ll help me open doors should i want to enter journalism once i graduate.

 

not to mention, i love the people (my editors especially!), the culture, the working environment (okay, maybe not really. the courier ppl are disturbing) and the writing.

 

pray for me! emoticon

 

 

p.s: the next entry shall be my erotica piece! i’m almost done with it; male lead’s now nipping the female lead’s neck.

 

musingsJune 3, 2009 2:14 pm

i’m reading through the archives of my old blog now and i’m pretty much horrified.

 

i used to type in chunks, add an ‘x’ at the back of every ‘bleah’, ‘heh’, have my entries color coded in light green, bright pink and sky blue, refer to the guy i had a huge crush on as him, and bitched about my secondary school teachers very openly, with full names and all.

 

what the hell was i thinking?

 

thank god i grew up.

private, foodMay 25, 2009 3:31 pm

it started when i was in secondary two.

 

it was the june holidays and me and the siblings spent all our nights hooked on korean dramas, munching on tidbits as the hours crawled.

 

so naturally, by the time i went back to school after the month-long break, i had put on weight.

it was a significant amount of weight. i couldn’t really fit into my skirt anymore and had to resort to using a safety pin instead.

 

while my friends made no mention about my weight gain, my family had alot to say about it.

 

my dad would say things like "you shouldn’t eat so much rice", or, "you need to come run with me" while my brothers sometimes quipped that "your face is getting rounder."

 

although i know at times they were merely teasing, it hurt.

 

so i took to starving myself.

 

i would wake up in the morning, be ravenous as hell, eat four pieces of bread, and go to school.

during break, pop some coins into the vending machine and make do with a pack of strawberry milk.

lunch was plain water.

dinner was the traditonal home-cooked dinner, rice, ingredients and soup.

for me, it was a spoonful of rice, alot of ingredients (especially vegetables) and alot of soup.

and then all out in the toiletbowl.

by night-time, my stomach would be growling ferociously, and i battled that by downing lots and lots of apples, sometimes three in a day.

- - - - - - -

i developed a pattern while eating after reading many pro-anorexia blogs and much experimentation.

non-guilt foods like fish and vegetables, i would eat first. fishballs could go in next, tofu too.

beans and rice were in second last, because rice is a bitch to purge, and at the end, i would guzzle loads of soup because it helps with the purging.

 

after dinner, i would announce to everyone at the dinner table that i was heading to bathe, then proceed to the bathroom to gag.

i was terrified inside.

because of what i was doing, because i was afraid either the toiletbowl or toilet plug would overflow, because my mother might hear me.

so armed with the sound of water flowing, i would stick one finger down my throat (two if one doesn’t get the food coming up) and hack up all my dinner.

 

my cue to stop was when i spotted either fish/vegetables in the mess before me, but then again, sometimes i purged all that too, especially when all i could think about in my head was "you are fat".

 

there were many times when i laid on the floor of the bathroom, water dripping down my back, eyes red and cheeks puffy from all that exertion, and just cry my heart out, lamenting to myself how pathetic i was, that i had to resort to this to be skinny, that i didn’t have a fast metabolic rate.

 

when i finished crying, i would get dressed, washed all the vomit off from the ground, put on a mask and head out to face my family.

 

i did that for two continuous years, coupled with 2.4km of running daily, without fail, rain or shine.

 

i don’t know if my family noticed it, but my schoolteacher did.

there was one particular teacher, my english teacher, who noticed the weight loss, and many times, she brought me aside to ask me if i was okay.

 

and of course i told her i was, though i was 39 kg and still losing weight at 1.58m, had a wan appearance and was losing hair due to the lack of nutrition.

 

on sundays when my parents would buy roti prata/carrot cake for the whole family and we would have breakfast together, i would loll in bed intentionally, though i was already wide awake, because i didn’t want to join them at the dining table, to have them scrutinise my eating habits, to feel pressured to have to eat.

at 1 in the afternoon, i would wake up, bring a book along with me and while ‘eating’ prata, slip pieces of it into a plastic bag i kept in my pocket, then throw it away when the coast was clear.

 

sometimes right after my 2.4 k run, i would decide to skip dinner, then walking to the kitchen, spot the containers after containers of cookies and biscuits, then proceed to stuff myself.

i’ve tried everything, from the chewing then spitting (which did me no good cause the satisfaction was in feeling the food go down your throat) to the smelling and not taking a bite.

 

in the end, i ate them all, (sometimes an entire container of snacks at one sitting),then head to the bathroom to purge it all out.

 

i can tell you which foods come out the easiest; noodles actually, if only half the noodles emerges, you can just yank the entire thing out, vegetables and liquids.

i hated rice cause only grains would come out and you had no idea exactly how much you still had in you, as well as cakes/biscuits/snacks made from flour, because it’ll coagulate as a lump in your tummy and coughing up a lump isn’t exactly easy.

 

during the weekends, i would lie to my mum that i was heading to my friends’ place to do projects, and instead, head to the library and grab loads of cooking books.

somehow staring at pictures of food and reading about food seemed to alleviate the gnawing hunger.

 

in the weekdays after school, i spent all my pocket money (from not buying proper food) on fruits from the supermarket, then go home and fill my stomach with them.

 

later, when i noticed my hair falling at an extraordinary pace, i decided to stop filling my tummy with fruits, since i concluded all that acid from them must have had something to do with the hair-falling.

- - - - - -  -

you know how you’re either labelled anorexic or bulimic?

in fact, a large number of ppl who suffer from eating disorders suffer from both, because you can’t exactly starve yourself for long, so you finally do eat, but at the same time, you can’t stand food going down your throat, so you purge.

 

i feared weighing myself every day, yet at the same time, there was a strange attraction between me and the weighing machine.

if i lost 0.5 kg that day, i would go back to the dining table, and allowed myself to eat more vegetables and fish.

if i gained even a quarter of a kilogram, i would make sure i purge doubly hard that day.

 

throughout the five years where i struggled with my eating disorder, i told no one except for my ex boyfriend and my current, three friends whom i hold very close to my heart, and a stranger.

the reason why i didn’t tell you, you and you, is because i was afraid you would judge me. the reason why i didn’t tell my parents, is because i was afraid they would lug me off my ass to a psychiatrist and i knew that wouldn’t work.

the reason why i laughed off every single comment made about my weight and size, is because i didn’t want you to know how badly i was hurting inside. the reason why i constantly seek feedback about my weight and appearance, is because i’m still desperately insecure.

 

i knew these five people wouldn’t judge me, not if i were to one day beg, steal or kill, because they know me so well.

the stranger, was a girl whose blog i read. she’s bulimic as well.

 it was very interesting, to read and learn about someone who’s so similar to you, who understands exactly how it feels to want to eat and not want to eat, to keep jogging although you feel like dropping dead, to want to see the numbers on the scales drop although you know with that every little bit of sanity is lost.

when i was given a chance to do a profile story on anyone i wished for my feature writing module, i chose her.

we met at bugis’s tcc.

when i saw her, she didn’t look bulimic. (most of us actually don’t).

i started the interview, albeit a little awkward, placed the voice recorder on the table, and started asking questions.

hearing her in the flesh, describing her eating habits, her purging habits was surreal.

in my heart, i was nodding furiously to whatever she had to say, because i identified with so much of it.

at the end of the interview, i turned off the tape recorder, and thanked her for the interview.

 

she then shot me a question that befounded me.

 

"are you bulimic?"

 

i didn’t know if i should open up to her, can i trust her?

 

although i didn’t answer her, my question to her was already an answer in itself.

 

"how did you know?"

 

she said she could see it in my gaze.

also, unless you had a family member who was suffering from an ED, or you were suffering from it yourself, one usually wouldn’t have such a huge interest in eating disorders.

 

i had no choice but to ‘fess up.

 

in the end, we exchanged tidbits about how this particular food comes up easy, how this other one tastes so damn good but is so hard to hack up etc. (i don’t think you want to hear the gruesome details)

 

i think we were both very happy girls suffering from eating disorders at the end of it, because ultimately, we both knew (although this sounds wrong) that we were not alone and we had each other.

that someone actually understands us.

 

- - - - - - - - -

out of the five years, the first two were the worst. but of course, after realising i couldn’t keep off the weight gain for long, i resigned myself to the fact that i had to eat.

so i did eat, but very minimal.

i stopped the purging gradually, not because i wanted to, but because i was too lazy to.

you would be surprised but it takes alot to purge for about 15 minutes. you’ll feel like you’ve waged a battle and maybe, if you’re lucky and can get all that food out, won it.

 

in poly, my staple food was yong tau foo. (my girls should know) just soup and ingredients, no carbs.

i told you guys i didn’t eat any sort of meat ‘cept for fish because i thought the process of killing was cruel, and that it was due to an incident in sec 2 that made me stop.

well, if i had elaborated, you would have known that it was the eating disorder.

somehow, coming up with a lame-ass excuse about not eating meat could have me not eating as much, since at the dinner table, i could easily avoid eating half the dishes if they contained meat.

 

i knew about the ill-effects of anorexia and bulimia. osteorporosis, hair-fall, discoloring of the teeth, throat cancer, i’ve read all about them.

still, it’s just … easier, for you to take the anorexic/bulimic path out; it’s not really easy, i don’t know how to describe it, but once you take that path, it’s easy to revert back to it.

in my third and fourth year, i still purged regularly, twice a month, then gradually, it watered down to once a month, then once every two months.

- - - - - -

right now? i don’t purge anymore, but i still watch my food intake over-conscientiously.

every meal i have, i’ll recite in my head the food i’ve had the entire day, because doing so calms me, it makes me feel that i’m in control and that i haven’t had exactly that much food and so i’m entitled to eating more.

 

i ask the boyfriend and the ex boyfriend and some friends whenever i meet them if i’ve lost weight, and if they say i have, i deny it, but deep inside, my heart does a little happy flutter.

 

i’ve not weighed myself in three years, because on one hand, i’m afraid to see how much weight i’ve gained/or not gained, and on the other hand, i don’t want my reliance on the scales to resume again.

 

everytime i look at myself in the mirror, i can’t stop myself from examining my arms, my tummy, my thighs, to see if i’ve gained weight on them.

 

although i’ve stopped purging entirely and the over-exercising, i know i still have some way to go.

 

it’s just that now, instead of cutting back on food, i up my amount of exercise, which is the healthy, logical way to go.

don’t get me wrong, i still don’t think i’m skinny enough, it’s just now, i don’t obsess over it that much.

 

to me, an eating disorder isn’t something one can recover from, but only one can curb.

because once you’ve taken that path, you know in your head it’s so easy to go down that path again.

what i can do now, is to stop myself from backtracking, and move forward.

 

why am i blogging this now, you may ask.

i’ve had several instances when i wanted to reveal all here, (i’ve actually made slight mentions here and here) but like i’ve mentioned, i’m afraid of being judged.

i’m afraid the next time i go out for dinner with you, you’ll be hesitant when you’re offering food to me.

i’m afraid the next time i go out for food with you, you’ll fear i’m up to something no good when i have to visit the toilet after the meal.

 

but today, i’ve decided, that i’m not going to let all that affect me.

i’m proud of overcoming the most horrible bit of my eating disorder, and i want you to be proud of me too.

 

i’m not fishing for sympathy here, neither am i making myself out to look like a hero.

because i know, with just a snap of the fingers, i can revert back to the old days of purging.

i just want everyone to know that to you, your comments might be funny, a tease, but to the self-conscious kid in front of you, they might spiral her/him down the path of an eating disorder.

 

i know, because i was that kid.

 

oh and the stranger whom i interviewed?

i still read her blog and she’s no longer purging.

 

emoticon

musings, relationshipsMay 22, 2009 2:40 am

whenever i head out somewhere and the place’s bloody crowded, i have a habit of blaming it all on the people.

 

scenarios that took place before:

 

*spots tons of ppl in a shopping mall on a weekday afternoon*

 

"WTF! so crowded?! don’t these ppl have to work?"

 

 

*spots tons of ppl in a foodcourt after work*

 

"WTF! so crowded?! don’t these ppl eat at home?"

 

 

*spots tons of ppl buying food from the sph building canteen*

 

"WTF! so crowded?! don’t these ppl get sick of the food here?"

 

 

you get the drift. and yes, i do know it’s ironic that i’m making these exclaimations although i’m doing exactly what these ppl are doing, shopping on a weekday afternoon, eating out after work and buying lunch from the pathetic sph canteen.

 

but anyway.

 

 

today.

 

*spots tons of ppl still on the train at 11.30 on a weeknight which means i don’t get a seat*

 

"WTF! so crowded? don’t these ppl have to sleep?"

 

afterwhich the boyfriend took a glance at the cabins and quipped,

 

"well, they are sleeping. in the train that is."

 

and you know what, he was right.

 

bah! 

shoppingMay 19, 2009 12:03 am

with just about a month to the big 2-0, i guess this entry is well due!

 

this year, my birthday will fall on a saturday, and while i’ve requested for the mum to postpone my tuition lessons so i’ll have one full day for celebrations, it’s still gonna be a tight squeeze should my family decide to hold celebrations, my friends (*ahem* hint hint) as well as the boyfriend.

 

not to mention, june 27th will also be me and the boyfriend’s anniversary!

 

yes! i can’t believe we’ve gone so far, defied all odds (and gravity, for the boyfriend at least. :P ), and emerged still strong and very much loving. emoticon

 

anyway’s, here’s the list in no particular order! 

 

handwritten notes!

i know i’m getting one from the boyfriend already! :D

 

 

 

clockwise: double u-neck long sleeve mini dress (in asphalt), nylon tricot high-waist skirt (in coral ice), jersey boy brief (you can take your pick :P ), nylon tricot ruched swimsuit (in cobalt); all from american apparel

 

draped push up tankini top and bottom from victoria secrets (in black)

 

 

bikram yoga lessons.

 

                 

    

clockwise: funky girlprops tape measure belt from quixotic-inc, polaroid camera, nikon FM10 or alternatively, photography lessons or you can tutor me for free! :D , ipod nano (in bright pink please)

 

                 

      

clockwise: dr martens (in mulberry), famous last words necklace - the great gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald from lionessden,  nars orgasm blush, spankin’ new macbook!

 

there, you have a good range to choose from don’t you? emoticon

then again, if you’re too lazy to make orders, vouchers from forever 21/topshop/borders will also do!

 

or you can just buy whatever you think i’ll like. i’m easy.

 

happy 20th to me, happy anniversary to the boyfriend and happy spending to all of you! emoticon 

musingsMay 17, 2009 3:13 am

my modesty was insulted by a cockroach tonight.

 

i was leisurely taking my bath as usual; shampooing my hair, soaping my body then removing my eye makeup when i noticed something crawling around on the ceiling from the corner of my eye.

 

at first i thought it was a moth.

 

now, i’m alright around lizards, spiders, beetles and even huge moths. the only insect i absolutely, extremely detest, is the cockroach.  

 

somehow, cockroaches seem to have a mind of their own, and an evil one at that.

notice they don’t attack those who don’t fear them, but tend to fly/scurry after those who do?

even when you try your darnedest not to show it, they are somehow able to sense the innate fear in you.

 

anyway, i digress. 

 

i took a closer look, and the series of thoughts that took place after ran like that.  

 

shit! it’s a fucking roach! omg omg, where did it come from?

*notices open window*  

fuck! ARGH ARGH! omg, okay okay, eileen stay calm! okay! don’t show that you’re scared! breathe! breathe!

*notices roach curling and uncurling its feelers*

EWRGH! okay, eileen! try to inch your way around it. quick! find a way to defend yourself!

 

so my immediate response was to open the other window and the door (so that the dammed thing can fly out), keep the showerhead running (so it won’t dare fly near me), keep the hose running (so it won’t dare fly near my legs), turn on yet another sprinkler and hold it in front of me (so it won’t for its life fly near me) and stare at it.

 

then realising i was stark naked and left exposed should someone open my mum’s bedroom door, i hurriedly grabbed my towel and wrapped it around me.

 

while thoughts of the cockroach were racing through my mind, i was also highly worried that my mum would be woken up by the sound of running water.

 

her bed is exactly opposite the bathroom you see, so should she open an eye, she can see her darling daughter in her birthday suit, with hair plastered to her scalp, water running down her body and a crazed expression on her face.

 

not exactly the sort of thing you would like to see when you wake up. (exceptions can be made for horny boyfriends)

 

so i was darting back and forth in the toilet, trying to avoid the open door, yet trying to avoid the roach which would occasionally decide to fly towards me just to give me a little scare.

 

whenever it flew towards me, i would clutch my towel tightly to myself, then spray the showerhead wildly while running around like a lost chicken.

 

i think i spent a total of 20 minutes doing that.

 

when i finally decided enough is enough! i slowly shifted all the things i needed to the ground right outside the bathroom, all the while keeping a watchful eye on the roach that was perched on the plastic hanger where us girls hung all our undergarments. (i swear i’m so gonna scrub it, HARD tomorrow)

 

i was just giving my contact lens case a light swing when my mum woke up.

 

of course, the moment she did, she saw whatever i didn’t want her to see: her darling daughter wrapped up in a dripping towel, with hair plastered to her scalp, water running down her body and a crazed expression on her face.

 

and i forgot to mention, wielding a running showerhead and a hose.

 

so naturally, she shouted at me.

 

i told her about the cockroach, which at that moment, looked right about flying straight at me again.

 

she continued shouting.

 

i decided to make a run for it.

 

holding the showerhead in front me like a shield, i inched towards my clothes which were on a rack right beside the pest, grabbed them, ran out of the bathroom, slammed the door shut and turned off the lights.

 

and then i breathed.

 

and my mum was still shouting.

 

i decided to save my breath on her, and went out to the main bathroom to continue my bath, all the while thanking my lucky stars for that escape.

 

eileen - 1, roach - 0.

 

p.s: i hope my mum gets a good scare when she enters the bathroom tomorrow.

 

 

- - - - - - -

edit:

spied the mother killing the cockroach right after i finish my bath.

 

bah!

 

oh well, can’t blame me, she’s had 27 more years of experience killing roaches than i do. emoticon

 

/edit. 

 

friendship, Cowboy BarMay 13, 2009 12:35 am

i’m sure most of you would have seen the soyjoy ads on television by now. (if you haven’t, stop switching channels when the ads come on! *glares at the boyfriend*)

 

one of my good friends and even better clubbing khaki nadia aka nadnut is one of the five bloggers roped in to take part in the soyjoy contest!

 

the winner gets to walk away with a 4D3N trip to the land of hentai and harajuku girls, japan.

 

of course i want nadia to win, so i’ll be voting for her daily.

 

if you want her to win, you should too!

 

simply head to the soyjoy site, click on the little nadia-struggling-with-her-bags figure, save her from her load and vote for her!

 

 

 

doesn’t take too much effort right?

 

better still, she’ll be holding a lucky draw if she wins so if you’ve the blogger badge on your blog/plugged her, you’ll stand to get awesome prizes from nadnut herself! 

 

go vote! i know i will!

 

 

musings, workMay 11, 2009 2:01 am

this month’s issue:

 

can you spot my name!

 

my articles:

 

the middle two snippets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and if i had one word to describe it all, it’ll be ‘heh!’. emoticon

 

the best thing was seeing my initially nonchalant mother getting all hot and bothered over my articles.

 

when i had told her about me taking on writing assignments about two weeks back, her response was, 

"i thought it’s playboy magazine? playboy got articles meh? i thought all nude pictures?"

 

i told her i’ll show her when the magazine’s out.

 

now that it is, she rushes to show the tuition kids’ folks my articles whenever they step into the house, and i think i overheard her telling my aunts over the phone the other day too.

 

yes, my mudder very 口是心非.

 

but anyway, what i like about working there is that they credit you for every single thing you’ve written, even if you’re just an intern.

 

i’ll be taking on more writing assignments for next month’s issue, so watch out for that! 

 

meanwhile, what’re you waiting for? go get this month’s copy already! emoticon