it started when i was in secondary two.
it was the june holidays and me and the siblings spent all our nights hooked on korean dramas, munching on tidbits as the hours crawled.
so naturally, by the time i went back to school after the month-long break, i had put on weight.
it was a significant amount of weight. i couldn’t really fit into my skirt anymore and had to resort to using a safety pin instead.
while my friends made no mention about my weight gain, my family had alot to say about it.
my dad would say things like "you shouldn’t eat so much rice", or, "you need to come run with me" while my brothers sometimes quipped that "your face is getting rounder."
although i know at times they were merely teasing, it hurt.
so i took to starving myself.
i would wake up in the morning, be ravenous as hell, eat four pieces of bread, and go to school.
during break, pop some coins into the vending machine and make do with a pack of strawberry milk.
lunch was plain water.
dinner was the traditonal home-cooked dinner, rice, ingredients and soup.
for me, it was a spoonful of rice, alot of ingredients (especially vegetables) and alot of soup.
and then all out in the toiletbowl.
by night-time, my stomach would be growling ferociously, and i battled that by downing lots and lots of apples, sometimes three in a day.
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i developed a pattern while eating after reading many pro-anorexia blogs and much experimentation.
non-guilt foods like fish and vegetables, i would eat first. fishballs could go in next, tofu too.
beans and rice were in second last, because rice is a bitch to purge, and at the end, i would guzzle loads of soup because it helps with the purging.
after dinner, i would announce to everyone at the dinner table that i was heading to bathe, then proceed to the bathroom to gag.
i was terrified inside.
because of what i was doing, because i was afraid either the toiletbowl or toilet plug would overflow, because my mother might hear me.
so armed with the sound of water flowing, i would stick one finger down my throat (two if one doesn’t get the food coming up) and hack up all my dinner.
my cue to stop was when i spotted either fish/vegetables in the mess before me, but then again, sometimes i purged all that too, especially when all i could think about in my head was "you are fat".
there were many times when i laid on the floor of the bathroom, water dripping down my back, eyes red and cheeks puffy from all that exertion, and just cry my heart out, lamenting to myself how pathetic i was, that i had to resort to this to be skinny, that i didn’t have a fast metabolic rate.
when i finished crying, i would get dressed, washed all the vomit off from the ground, put on a mask and head out to face my family.
i did that for two continuous years, coupled with 2.4km of running daily, without fail, rain or shine.
i don’t know if my family noticed it, but my schoolteacher did.
there was one particular teacher, my english teacher, who noticed the weight loss, and many times, she brought me aside to ask me if i was okay.
and of course i told her i was, though i was 39 kg and still losing weight at 1.58m, had a wan appearance and was losing hair due to the lack of nutrition.
on sundays when my parents would buy roti prata/carrot cake for the whole family and we would have breakfast together, i would loll in bed intentionally, though i was already wide awake, because i didn’t want to join them at the dining table, to have them scrutinise my eating habits, to feel pressured to have to eat.
at 1 in the afternoon, i would wake up, bring a book along with me and while ‘eating’ prata, slip pieces of it into a plastic bag i kept in my pocket, then throw it away when the coast was clear.
sometimes right after my 2.4 k run, i would decide to skip dinner, then walking to the kitchen, spot the containers after containers of cookies and biscuits, then proceed to stuff myself.
i’ve tried everything, from the chewing then spitting (which did me no good cause the satisfaction was in feeling the food go down your throat) to the smelling and not taking a bite.
in the end, i ate them all, (sometimes an entire container of snacks at one sitting),then head to the bathroom to purge it all out.
i can tell you which foods come out the easiest; noodles actually, if only half the noodles emerges, you can just yank the entire thing out, vegetables and liquids.
i hated rice cause only grains would come out and you had no idea exactly how much you still had in you, as well as cakes/biscuits/snacks made from flour, because it’ll coagulate as a lump in your tummy and coughing up a lump isn’t exactly easy.
during the weekends, i would lie to my mum that i was heading to my friends’ place to do projects, and instead, head to the library and grab loads of cooking books.
somehow staring at pictures of food and reading about food seemed to alleviate the gnawing hunger.
in the weekdays after school, i spent all my pocket money (from not buying proper food) on fruits from the supermarket, then go home and fill my stomach with them.
later, when i noticed my hair falling at an extraordinary pace, i decided to stop filling my tummy with fruits, since i concluded all that acid from them must have had something to do with the hair-falling.
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you know how you’re either labelled anorexic or bulimic?
in fact, a large number of ppl who suffer from eating disorders suffer from both, because you can’t exactly starve yourself for long, so you finally do eat, but at the same time, you can’t stand food going down your throat, so you purge.
i feared weighing myself every day, yet at the same time, there was a strange attraction between me and the weighing machine.
if i lost 0.5 kg that day, i would go back to the dining table, and allowed myself to eat more vegetables and fish.
if i gained even a quarter of a kilogram, i would make sure i purge doubly hard that day.
throughout the five years where i struggled with my eating disorder, i told no one except for my ex boyfriend and my current, three friends whom i hold very close to my heart, and a stranger.
the reason why i didn’t tell you, you and you, is because i was afraid you would judge me. the reason why i didn’t tell my parents, is because i was afraid they would lug me off my ass to a psychiatrist and i knew that wouldn’t work.
the reason why i laughed off every single comment made about my weight and size, is because i didn’t want you to know how badly i was hurting inside. the reason why i constantly seek feedback about my weight and appearance, is because i’m still desperately insecure.
i knew these five people wouldn’t judge me, not if i were to one day beg, steal or kill, because they know me so well.
the stranger, was a girl whose blog i read. she’s bulimic as well.
it was very interesting, to read and learn about someone who’s so similar to you, who understands exactly how it feels to want to eat and not want to eat, to keep jogging although you feel like dropping dead, to want to see the numbers on the scales drop although you know with that every little bit of sanity is lost.
when i was given a chance to do a profile story on anyone i wished for my feature writing module, i chose her.
we met at bugis’s tcc.
when i saw her, she didn’t look bulimic. (most of us actually don’t).
i started the interview, albeit a little awkward, placed the voice recorder on the table, and started asking questions.
hearing her in the flesh, describing her eating habits, her purging habits was surreal.
in my heart, i was nodding furiously to whatever she had to say, because i identified with so much of it.
at the end of the interview, i turned off the tape recorder, and thanked her for the interview.
she then shot me a question that befounded me.
"are you bulimic?"
i didn’t know if i should open up to her, can i trust her?
although i didn’t answer her, my question to her was already an answer in itself.
"how did you know?"
she said she could see it in my gaze.
also, unless you had a family member who was suffering from an ED, or you were suffering from it yourself, one usually wouldn’t have such a huge interest in eating disorders.
i had no choice but to ‘fess up.
in the end, we exchanged tidbits about how this particular food comes up easy, how this other one tastes so damn good but is so hard to hack up etc. (i don’t think you want to hear the gruesome details)
i think we were both very happy girls suffering from eating disorders at the end of it, because ultimately, we both knew (although this sounds wrong) that we were not alone and we had each other.
that someone actually understands us.
- - - - - - - - -
out of the five years, the first two were the worst. but of course, after realising i couldn’t keep off the weight gain for long, i resigned myself to the fact that i had to eat.
so i did eat, but very minimal.
i stopped the purging gradually, not because i wanted to, but because i was too lazy to.
you would be surprised but it takes alot to purge for about 15 minutes. you’ll feel like you’ve waged a battle and maybe, if you’re lucky and can get all that food out, won it.
in poly, my staple food was yong tau foo. (my girls should know) just soup and ingredients, no carbs.
i told you guys i didn’t eat any sort of meat ‘cept for fish because i thought the process of killing was cruel, and that it was due to an incident in sec 2 that made me stop.
well, if i had elaborated, you would have known that it was the eating disorder.
somehow, coming up with a lame-ass excuse about not eating meat could have me not eating as much, since at the dinner table, i could easily avoid eating half the dishes if they contained meat.
i knew about the ill-effects of anorexia and bulimia. osteorporosis, hair-fall, discoloring of the teeth, throat cancer, i’ve read all about them.
still, it’s just … easier, for you to take the anorexic/bulimic path out; it’s not really easy, i don’t know how to describe it, but once you take that path, it’s easy to revert back to it.
in my third and fourth year, i still purged regularly, twice a month, then gradually, it watered down to once a month, then once every two months.
- - - - - -
right now? i don’t purge anymore, but i still watch my food intake over-conscientiously.
every meal i have, i’ll recite in my head the food i’ve had the entire day, because doing so calms me, it makes me feel that i’m in control and that i haven’t had exactly that much food and so i’m entitled to eating more.
i ask the boyfriend and the ex boyfriend and some friends whenever i meet them if i’ve lost weight, and if they say i have, i deny it, but deep inside, my heart does a little happy flutter.
i’ve not weighed myself in three years, because on one hand, i’m afraid to see how much weight i’ve gained/or not gained, and on the other hand, i don’t want my reliance on the scales to resume again.
everytime i look at myself in the mirror, i can’t stop myself from examining my arms, my tummy, my thighs, to see if i’ve gained weight on them.
although i’ve stopped purging entirely and the over-exercising, i know i still have some way to go.
it’s just that now, instead of cutting back on food, i up my amount of exercise, which is the healthy, logical way to go.
don’t get me wrong, i still don’t think i’m skinny enough, it’s just now, i don’t obsess over it that much.
to me, an eating disorder isn’t something one can recover from, but only one can curb.
because once you’ve taken that path, you know in your head it’s so easy to go down that path again.
what i can do now, is to stop myself from backtracking, and move forward.
why am i blogging this now, you may ask.
i’ve had several instances when i wanted to reveal all here, (i’ve actually made slight mentions here and here) but like i’ve mentioned, i’m afraid of being judged.
i’m afraid the next time i go out for dinner with you, you’ll be hesitant when you’re offering food to me.
i’m afraid the next time i go out for food with you, you’ll fear i’m up to something no good when i have to visit the toilet after the meal.
but today, i’ve decided, that i’m not going to let all that affect me.
i’m proud of overcoming the most horrible bit of my eating disorder, and i want you to be proud of me too.
i’m not fishing for sympathy here, neither am i making myself out to look like a hero.
because i know, with just a snap of the fingers, i can revert back to the old days of purging.
i just want everyone to know that to you, your comments might be funny, a tease, but to the self-conscious kid in front of you, they might spiral her/him down the path of an eating disorder.
i know, because i was that kid.
oh and the stranger whom i interviewed?
i still read her blog and she’s no longer purging.
of my job) 
), and emerged still strong and very much loving. 
