during drama and poetry class on monday, each of us was told to pick a photo from the stack on the table, then use it as stimulus for a poem.
the one i picked was this:
in case you can’t see it clearly, it shows a bicycle lying on its side, with the emphasis on one lone wheel.
i came up with this after half an hour.
Reminiscence
I wish I were a child again
Pedals turning hesitantly,
yet pushed on by the
warmth of your breath on the nape of my neck
Handle bars swerving,
yet corrected with a
gentle flick of your fingers
Spokes arunning,
yet steadied by the
strength that lies beneath your grasp
Knees bleeding,
yet comforted by the
soft undertones of your gruff voice
Then, I grew up
Flying with the wind,
yet noting the absence
of your deep-throated laugh
I wish I were a child again
- - - -
my tutor liked it, but said she didn’t quite fancy the use of "yet" in the second to fifth stanzas.
anybody has a better word?
Though my command of english isn’t strong, but this is how I would edit the poem, however, it’s not that good either =X but hope u’ll like my idea..
I wish I were a child again..
Round and round the pedal goes.
Going and going on,
with the warmth of your breath still lingering at the nape of my neck.
Left and right the handle bars swerves to;
I know your big hands are the guideline to the straight path between the left and right.
The spokes arunning;
but I’m not afraid,
as what lies beneath your grasp is the strength that steady the unsteadiness.
My knees bleed,
my crying is hushed by the soft undertones of your gruff voice.
Time flies,
my little hands is the big hands now.
And, your deep-throated laugh is with the flying time.
I wish I were a child again.
Comment by faith — October 23, 2007 @ 5:47 pm
i like your version of it! hmm, but well, it’s two different styles. my style’s more the kind where i like to leave the reader guessing. for you, i guess you reveal more to the reader.
also, in the last stanza, i used the verse “flying with the wind” cause first, it can mean the speaker has learnt how to ride a bike, and so, is riding fast.
yet another meaning is what you interpreted in your poem, that the speaker has since grown up.
so yep.
but thanks for offering an alternative version!
Comment by Administrator — October 24, 2007 @ 2:00 am
=D maybe because people don’t always get what i’m trying to say, thus I’ll somehow do more explanations..
In the end, i didn’t help much in solving the problem =X Hmm. maybe your tutor feels that the feeling and ambiance is there, but the frequent usage of the word yet kinda ruin it? Hope this will help =)
Comment by faith — October 24, 2007 @ 4:15 am
I’m glad I actually understood the meaning behind the poem!
Makes me feel that I’m not that bad. Hehe. I got A2 for lit in Sec 2. 
Comment by Thiang — October 24, 2007 @ 4:31 am
faith: hmm, she mentioned something about wrong usage. i think it’s alright though. it’ okay! i’ll think about it over the weekends.
thiang: haha! it’s not that hard to understand lah thiang!
Comment by Administrator — October 24, 2007 @ 3:59 pm
Wau lau, is it that hard to uh, let me feel intelligent sometimes?!
Comment by Thiang — October 24, 2007 @ 4:54 pm
lol. okay lah! it’s quite hard to understand.
*pats you on your back* well done thiang!
Comment by Administrator — October 24, 2007 @ 5:46 pm
Very nice! Like song lyrics!! hahaha see, thats why we should start a band.
And well done thiang! *giggle*
Comment by sujith — October 26, 2007 @ 1:41 pm
song lyrics? haha, it’s supposed to be deeper than just song lyrics! yea, the band dream never materialised.
Comment by Administrator — October 26, 2007 @ 6:46 pm