today i purged again after six months, seven? eight?

 

i’m not too sure myself.

 

i only know it was after reading something online that this huge sense of self-loathing surged up, and when i stood under the showerhead with water running down my face, my stomach, my hips, i felt this insane urge to wash everything dirty from me, all that dirty food i had for dinner, to purge all that dirty vegetables, fish, egg and soup from my body.

 

i tried resisting.

 

i sat on the tiled floor under the showerhead. i told myself to be logical, 

 

"eileen, if you’re going to let what others say flippantly affect you that much, you’ll never be able to recover."

 

but the water from the showerhead just made it worse, i could feel it running down the curves of my body, and the water hose in front of me just kept telling me to use it.

 

so i stuck it beside my mouth, turned on the hose and purged.

 

and i felt horrible after it. still dirty, and very horrible.

 

 

the boyfriend and a friend tried consoling me, but whatever nice things they tried saying just made the tears fall faster.

because i felt like i didn’t deserve all that kindness, that they were being so nice to me only cause i had a stupid eating disorder, that i was imposing on them, having to have them try and cheer me up.  

 

and then i felt worse when i thought about the food review i had to do on wednesday, desserts still, imagine, all that fat and calories.

 

i wondered if i should tell my bosses about the ED on the way to work tmr. tell them i didn’t want to do the review anymore cause it was acting up again, cause i don’t want to have to force the desserts down my throat.

 

but you know how they’ll think of me. 

that i can’t separate work from my personal problems, that i need help, and then they’re going to be extra nice to me again.

 

so i’m not going to tell them.

 

and i’ll try not to purge again.